Yesterday was definitely a day for the record books. It was the first day that I've been broken in such a long time. It was the first time that I've cried at work. It was the first day where I didn't love my family as much as I should. And it was the first day this summer that I got down on my knees and prayed. All of the difficulties that have been going on in my family for the past 6 months were magnified yesterday. My eyes were opened to everything. I mean, I know everything that has been going on, but it's a completely different experience when you're in the middle of it all. My dad is in bad shape right now. He's taken enough medication to not even know the day or time. He can barely walk, let alone drive! (which he attempted the other day) He's been in bed for almost a week, and we're constantly over here checking on him, making sure he's eating and going to the bathroom. I don't have any animosity towards him. I know he's sick. But its the same sickness I've seen over and over. And I was at a point yesterday when I didn't want to care anymore.
I had to come before God last night and ask for him to give me strength to get through these next few weeks. I prayed for my family, that they would all be broken, like I was. And I had to pray for my sanity, because, trust me, it's hanging on by a thread.
I don't know what God is trying to teach me through all of this, but it's something that I can say without a doubt, that I will remember forever. I'm being stretched in ways I didn't know were possible. It's hard to even look at my parents without being overwhelmed with emotions. And I can only imagine what my mom is feeling right now. She's had to live this everyday. I've only been here for 5 weeks and I want out! It's so difficult to rely on God right now, because I feel like he hasn't been here throughout this whole situation. I just don't know if I can put faith in him when everything is so screwed up right now.
So I guess, if any prayers are being thrown my way, pray for my heart. Pray that I can love my parents. Pray that I can love and trust God. And pray that I don't give up.
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3 comments:
Jessica,
I will be praying for you and for your family.
Hope things start looking up. Sometimes walking away for a little bit offers a fresh view on problem solving. Mulling it over with God in solitude works wonders. At least, it works for me a lot of times.
Or you should really just sit down and enjoy some subway $5 footlongs. They are really good.
Aww Jess, I will definitely be praying for you and your family. Glad we got to talk and pray together the other day. Hang in there, girlie, God is faithful and He will deliver a way out!
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